Archive for the ‘Off the cuff’ Category

Unapologetically Female!

Posted: May 13, 2011 in Off the cuff

Just in case you haven’t noticed, I am female. Unless you have a better explanation for these bumps and curves. Do you? I thought so. Anyway, it rocks to be female, and unapologetically so. We get away with a lot of stuff which I’m sure your average male wouldn’t be spared death by scornful looks if he so much as contemplated said stuff. You see, I’ve been in some situations where I made mistakes that banishing me from earth would’ve been punishment enough but I got away with just but a “Come oooooon, I didn’t mean to” said in the sweetest feline manner ever and punctuated by the infamous but effective puppy look, slight tilt of the head and toying with braids. You can’t possibly say no to that face! It works every time, like magic.

That we are dainty is nothing new. There’s something about us that moves the world to action. I never knew many men who upon tripping had everyone scrambling to give them a hand. Well, they may get help but not as quickly and with so much fuss as a beautiful young female with well-manicured nails, delicate make-up and the body of a goddess. She might as well have them carry her on their backs rather than risk misaligning a bone. Such is the power of the female aura. Be warned, well not exactly because you never see her charm coming. Just when you are getting ready to admonish her for max-ing out your credit card, driving your baby-on-wheels into a ditch, messing up your expensive camera…you melt and all forms of fury go out the window.

I mean, this is your mother. She brought you into this world and that gives her exclusive rights to your credit card and she will max it if she so damn well pleases. It could be your sister. You can’t possibly chew her head off for driving your baby into the ditch. Let it slide. Besides she looks so apologetic flailing her arms in an attempt to explain how she was avoiding to “knocking down the cute-looking cat.”

So…yes. There are several things we females can get away with. If you ever wondered how you can get past the throng of people at a concert to the front for better view, your sister, girlfriend or any other female friend should come in handy. Just get her to push through the crowd, follow closely behind saying repetitively, “Sorry, she’s a little psycho, trying to distract her till the medics get here.” It works. You doubt me? Try it.

Women can get out of just about anything by having a headache. Neighborhood meetings, that visit to the home of the meddling in-laws, the christening of her boyfriend’s cousin-twice-removed’s second daughter…and all those boring engagements, social or otherwise. And if the headache card seems to get you hesitating she could switch to the period card. Surely she couldn’t possibly be forced to travel miles to upcountry to see grandma in her condition.

How many men can pee together in a one-roomed bathroom? Women can! In fact we hold conversations while we are doing it. For the men though, there is a strict field size or better yet a wall between two males, no eye contact or even speaking.

And how many times have you had to go back home, miss a play or wait hours to go to a concert only to arrive there late because she just couldn’t decide which shoes would go well with her outfit. If a guy were to attempt this the first words to him would be, “Butch up, SOPHIA!”

Stalking! Yes, it’s sorta cute when a hot female follows a guy around.  Admit it; it’s flattering even if for personal reasons you wouldn’t want to pursue her. But when men stalk, it’s criminal. I would call the cops on him immediately regardless of that sexy smile he keeps flashing me.

Where fashion is related we are allowed to cram our butts into a-size-smaller jeans, carry purses, wear v-necks, wear wigs, tweeze our eyebrows into a thin line, stack up loads of jewelry etc. Regardless of whether men call them man-purses or murses, those tiny hand clutches do not work for your images. And don’t get me started on butt-hugging jeans and v necks. Oh the eyesore! Also extreme body hair removal is a preserve of the ladies and so is going commando occasionally. Some men do it and just thinking about it is enough to gross me out.

So there you have it! From yours truly, unapologetically-female!

While You Were Away…

Posted: April 24, 2011 in Off the cuff

While you were away…

I turned 1…mother kept photos…chubby little angel with the sunken eyes…

She sat peacefully staring into blank space, while I babbled and played with her blouse.

While you were away…

I turned 11…mother kept photos…shy lanky girl with the spaced-out teeth…

She combed my hair backwards…ironed the dress with the little bow and sat me on the couch. Lessons in being a lady…head up straight…swallow all the pain and smile.

While you were away…

I turned 16…got kicked out of high school for acting out…

Mother kept photos…self-conscious young woman with an attitude, a passion for written word, a dream bigger than herself, and an anger that bubbled silently under.

While you were away…

I turned 18…liked the boy with the nervous smile, the sweaty palms, the best Math student at his school.

Mother kept photos…slim, tall woman with the permanent ponytail, and sweaters in all colors.

While you were away…

I turned 21…fell in like with an older man…a social rebel, he loved me and then he didn’t. I fed off his sense of rebellion, his defiance of everything proper, his ragged nature…

Mother kept photos…an elegant, well poised woman, with glossed lips, processed hair and low-cut blouse.

While you were away…

I turned 24…struggled to relate to men, I saw you in them…at least I imagined you in them.

Mother kept photos…a grown-up woman, well-educated woman, a flirt but deep within lived in fear and longing…of something beautiful, something stable…

While you were away…

I turned 26…and wrote a letter…a passionate appeal to God, to keep you safe…to lead me to you…

If only just so I can hand you this letter…this attempt to understand your journey, to reconcile with the ghosts from past days…to see who mother says I take after, who’s blood flows in my veins…who’s occupied my thoughts for 26 years…the last chapter in this book I struggle to complete.

While you were away…I called no other, Daddy.

I just need time!!

Posted: July 20, 2009 in Off the cuff, Uncategorized

Time…we all need it at some point. Some more than others. For a myriad of reasons; some flimsier than others. Time to heal, time to find myself. Time to breath, time to think about things. Time is probably the most sought after thing and it’s often so elusive!

I sometimes need it in bucketloads! When am under pressure to deliver and everything is threatening to go wrong…or when the husband is raiding the kitchen in the middle of the night (coz he’s hungry) and his wife wakes up, all he need is time to make it to the next room with the oh so juicy drumstick without having to explain himself, you know!

Is there such a thing as perfect timing? Think about it; is there ever a good time to deliver bad news? I mean, for instance if you had to fire one of your employees because..well, budget cuts for survival of the company…would you wait until they are in their office on the phone with a major client closing a deal, and then you pop your head through the door and say, “You are fired!” or maybe when they dutifully bring you your coffee, dark, two sugars, no cream just as you like it and just before they leave you say,” Well thank you (their name) and by the way you are fired!” Come to think of it there is just no perfect time, just say it and hope that the recipient of your bad news does not collapse and die and then you have to deliver this subsequent bad news to their family and other beneficiaries of their hard earned monthly salary!

Or maybe like when you have to break up with someone, then as if the universe doesn’t want you to, something else comes up, his or her cat/dog dies. Aha! Suddenly they are so dejected and ‘grieving’ and any more bad news would just throw them into an unimaginable emotional turmoil! What to do? Shut up and offer your support!

Am fascinated by the fact that time can be killed or even bought. It’s hard to imagine that one would want to kill time in this fast-paced world where every second counts in business, in the medical arena, in law courts, everywhere! But for some it comes naturally. You are in town, it’s too early to go home, so you check into a store and look around not really buying anything. Even worse and I absolutely abhor (the strongest term I could think of!) this habit; sitting in those seats all over town powered by Nairobi City Council, a public utility initiative or something like that. I can understand if it’s only for a couple of minutes but an hour, two hours, the whole day?! Walk up the staircase to the top floor of KICC and back down again if you must, walk around town but please do not be seen idly seated outside the bomb blast memorial or outside Tuskys pioneer!

            To be honest though I wish there was no such thing as time. Only the world would be chaotic, because then it would be hard to plan anything. But who needs a plan? Can’t we just be spontaneous? Plans are actually great, but only when you stick to them. But this does not necessarily mean we abandon all sense of adventure, spontaneity. It’s good to have a sense of direction, a focus point. This way there’s flow and reduced panic-attack instances where time which, is not even available at that time, is spent on trying to get a grip! Enough said, I feel like Dalai Lama, all these was written in free-verse by the way. Explains the typos (Madam Chief Editor is off duty!)

Hey y’all!

Welcome to G-lounge, grab a cushion, pour yourself a drink and just chill…G will be with you shortly…

First thingz first, i’d like to thank y’all for ur support, couldn’t do it without you. I saw a need to keep in touch with those close to my heart and what better way to do it than this! In life we kinda lose each other somehow, what with our busy schedules and all. After awhile you realize you know absolutely zilch about some of the people you once knew. It’s sad but true.

Stella22 thanks for the inspiration gal, u rock!

Mad love,

G.